Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
