i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
