you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize