I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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