He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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