So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
