Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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