i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
