apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
there is glitter all over my balls
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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