i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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