dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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