you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
