spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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