youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize