This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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