Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize