I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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