break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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