this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
