My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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