Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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