i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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