Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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