well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
