I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You made out with two different species that night
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
