I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just blew my weed a kiss
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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