by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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