She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
