I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
