Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
