I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
