I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
