I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
