Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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