Who wears a wallet chain?!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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