"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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