Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
