alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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