she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
