guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
