I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
