...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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