Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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