She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize