my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize