They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
