I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
