Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
