the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
