Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
