You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
