Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
