There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
