His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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