if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
