I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
