I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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