literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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