Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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